• The Sun rises in the East because it needs the entire day to work up the courage to face Chuck Norris in the West.

  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

  • If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

  • Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

  • Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

  • At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

  • A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

  • Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

  • Pi is not infinite. It stops when Chuck Norris tells it to.

  • It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

  • Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

  • Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have deleted the Internet.

  • Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

  • Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

  • Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

  • Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

  • Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

  • If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

  • The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

  • Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

  • Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

  • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

  • Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

  • The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.

  • Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting...Chuck Norris goes killing.

  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

  • Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

  • If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

  • The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

  • What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

  • If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

  • Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

  • Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

  • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

  • Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

  • How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.

  • The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

  • For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

  • Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

  • You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

  • Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

  • There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq...Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

  • A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

  • There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

  • Chuck Norris did, in fact, build Rome in a day.

  • Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

  • Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

  • According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

  • In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

  • If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

  • There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

  • Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

  • Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

  • Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

  • It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

  • Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he roundhouse kicked the deputy.

  • Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

  • Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

  • Q: How many Chuck Norrises does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

  • As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

  • When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "Say 'please'."

  • Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

  • Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

  • Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

  • If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

  • In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

  • Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

  • Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

  • Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your fucking eyes off.

  • Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

  • Chuck Norris can taste lies.

  • Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

  • Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

  • The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

  • There are two types of people in the world: people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

  • 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.

  • Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

  • In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black," then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

  • There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris. Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

  • We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

  • Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

  • Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

  • When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

  • Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

  • They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

  • One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

  • In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

  • When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

  • Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

  • Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

  • Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

  • Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

  • Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

  • The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

  • Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

  • If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

  • Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.

  • Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SATs, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

  • Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

  • Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

  • More at Chuck Norris Facts

    Submitted by Terri


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