1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. ---David Letterman "The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it's more politically correct." ---William White "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." ---Kevin James "I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter." ---Drew Carey Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive." Butler: "Very well, Madam. I've been wanting to do that for years." Q: What do you call skydiving lawyers? A: Skeet Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it. Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: Tame way. Unique up on it. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. "A good listener is usually thinking about something else." ---Kin Hubbard "Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex." ---Karl Marx "That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude." ---Alexander Haig (b. 1924), American politician A coupla months in the laboratory can save a coupla hours in the library. ---Westheimer's Discovery "I got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck." ---George Carlin "Mr. Eliot is at times an excellent poet and has arrived at the supreme Eminence among English critics largely through distinguishing himself as a corpse." Ezra Pound (1885-1972), on T.S. Eliot (1888-1965) "My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?'I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, then forget it.'" ---Steven Wright "Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best." ---Woody Allen "I used to be scared of dogs. Then I realized that dogs are just as scared of me as I am of them; they just show it differently. They show it by barking and snapping at me, and I show it by soiling myself." ---Dakota Shepard "The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it." ---Truman Capote Never marry a woman with big hands, it makes your dick look smaller. "Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus." ---Bob Rubin "Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you're trying to save money for when you split up your property." ---Dave Barry What does Hillary do after shaving her pussy? Dresses him up and sends him to work. "Jewish foreplay is three hours of begging. Italian foreplay is 'Maria, I'm home.'" ---Milton Berle The young couple are on their honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while." "We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think you're going?" "Nowhere, Sweety," he says. "Please turn over." "Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture." ---Jack Handey "The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy. Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a shit whether you live or die. There, you feel better now?" ---Dennis Miller What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick. "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" ---Dave Barry "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --- Dave Barry Q: What's the definition of eternity? A: The length of time between when you come and she leaves. And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?" ----I don't know who said it, but it sure cracked me up. Q: What does an accountant use for birth control? A: His personality. "There is something going on right now in Mexico that I happen to think is cruelty to animals. What I'm talking about, of course, is cat juggling." ---Steve Martin "I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy." ---Danny McGoorty (1901-1970) Q. If I had a rooster, and you had a donkey, and your donkey ate my rooster's legs...what would you have? A. Two feet of my cock in your ass. Q: What do you call a Jamaican proctologist? A: Pok-e-mon Q: If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame? A: The motorcyclist is. He shouldn't have been riding in the kitchen! How many feminists does it take to bake cookies? Two: one to bake the cookies... and one to suck my dick! "The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet." ---Dave Barry "In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry." ---Kevin Krisciunas Q: Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? A: It's for Dickheads. "Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means." ---George Burns "I don't care what the user manual says...I'm not putting my hand near that!" Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? A: You pick him up and suck his dick. How many feminists does it take to change the oil in the car? None, she's too busy sucking my dick! What are the 2 most important holes on a woman? Her nostrils, so she can breathe while giving a blowjob. Basketball player Chris Washburn, commenting on his ability to drive to the basket, "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious." Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So you can tell them apart from feminists. "One-tenth of the folks run the world. One-tenth watch them run it, and the other eighty percent don't know what the hell's going on." ---Jake Simmons (1901-1981) U.S. industrialist Japan recently sent the American people 50,000,000 cases of Viagra. They heard that our entire country can't get an election straight. Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day. When she's in a good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead. "France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper." ---Billy Wilder "Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians." ---Pat Robertson at the 1992 GOP Presidential Convention This is a most confusing time: The leading rap singer is white, the world's best golfer is black, and Bill Clinton just got back from Vietnam. My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself." There's an automotive tire dealer in town with the following motto painted in two-foot high letters on the storefronts of their several locations: "If it's in stock, we've got it!" Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice. Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida. That reminds me... How many feminists does it take to make an ass out of themselves? Two: One to be an ass and the other to suck my dick! [Send E-Mail to the Rude Zone] [Joke Pages] [Home] |